Lone Wolf

WolfGoing through a trauma, both physically and emotionally, changes you. How can it not change you when all the cells in your body absorb that trauma, and your brain can’t erase it either?

It’s hard for others to understand when I withdrawal from them because I’m feeling anxiety that overwhelms me to the point I need to be alone to feel safe. I had friends before my attack that want me to be the same old me, but I can’t be. I’m changed – sure I’m still the happy, positive person most of the time, but there are moments when I feel like a lone wolf that needs to escape the world and show self-care in being alone. I have learned meditation to help calm me, and taking long walks out in nature helps too. But I need to do it alone.

Does anyone else feel this way? Have you also experienced trauma of some kind?

I experienced someone I dated for a short period of time, who never showed me an ounce of violence, try to kill me in an instant. I remember in my mind saying “you can’t let him take you anywhere else because you will most certainly die there.” So I saw a moment where I could fight him when he least expected it, even though he had a knife on me. I won’t go into detail, but I was in for the “fight of my life” – for my life.

Good won that day – and I’m here because I didn’t freeze like a deer in the head lights, but it could have ended the other way as well. I’m currently writing the book to share about dating violence and how I survived.

But what I wanted to say in the being of this blog was – I’m changed because of trauma. I don’t apologize for the change, I embrace it for making me stronger! I’m grateful for every day I’m here!

We never know when we meet someone what they’ve been through. I know NO ONE would ever think I am a survivor of dating violence. But I do have moments when I need to be a lone wolf, and it have nothing to do with anyone else, but only to do with me healing myself. Please remember to show grace sometime to others even when you don’t understand.

Love,

Deanna

gotodeanna@gmail.com

 

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