The year of Change

new beginningsI recently talked to a close friend of mine who has 50+ years of experience in research and teaching, who told me that ages 52 and 56 tend to be major years of change in a persons life. People sometimes refer to the MAJOR changes as a midlife crisis.

Well I’m 56 this year, and I am in the major shift of change. Not long ago I quit a job that I’d mastered all the things I did and more, but the owner lied to everyone, treated some people like they were not worthy of his time or effort, talk about everyone behind their backs, and I finally stood up and said “I’m not doing this anymore!” Period. End of story.

Now – I’m figuring out what I want the next chapter to be. One thing for sure, is I want to be happy whatever I’m doing. No more settling for just a good paycheck. Do you know how many times I’ve done that?! Ugh! And no more being inside a box that people make for me! I am going to live my life – according to me, no one else.

I’m single, kids are grown, and I want this next chapter to be the best one yet! Don’t get me wrong, I’ve accomplished some great things in my career that I’m very proud of! I worked hard to establish a successful career. Now, it’s more about being happy, giving back to others, traveling, and enjoying the beautiful outdoors while earning a happy living. I know things may look like I’m in crisis mode, but I’m not. I’m figuring out what makes me happy.

Life’s to short not to try a new chapter… one that is for me – with no one else dictating what they think I should and should not do. I am happy now that I’m free! Free to do what makes me soar!!!

Deanna (smiling)

 

Lone Wolf

WolfGoing through a trauma, both physically and emotionally, changes you. How can it not change you when all the cells in your body absorb that trauma, and your brain can’t erase it either?

It’s hard for others to understand when I withdrawal from them because I’m feeling anxiety that overwhelms me to the point I need to be alone to feel safe. I had friends before my attack that want me to be the same old me, but I can’t be. I’m changed – sure I’m still the happy, positive person most of the time, but there are moments when I feel like a lone wolf that needs to escape the world and show self-care in being alone. I have learned meditation to help calm me, and taking long walks out in nature helps too. But I need to do it alone.

Does anyone else feel this way? Have you also experienced trauma of some kind?

I experienced someone I dated for a short period of time, who never showed me an ounce of violence, try to kill me in an instant. I remember in my mind saying “you can’t let him take you anywhere else because you will most certainly die there.” So I saw a moment where I could fight him when he least expected it, even though he had a knife on me. I won’t go into detail, but I was in for the “fight of my life” – for my life.

Good won that day – and I’m here because I didn’t freeze like a deer in the head lights, but it could have ended the other way as well. I’m currently writing the book to share about dating violence and how I survived.

But what I wanted to say in the being of this blog was – I’m changed because of trauma. I don’t apologize for the change, I embrace it for making me stronger! I’m grateful for every day I’m here!

We never know when we meet someone what they’ve been through. I know NO ONE would ever think I am a survivor of dating violence. But I do have moments when I need to be a lone wolf, and it have nothing to do with anyone else, but only to do with me healing myself. Please remember to show grace sometime to others even when you don’t understand.

Love,

Deanna

gotodeanna@gmail.com

 

Huge Step

I took a huge step to stand up for what it right. I knew deep down I had to do this because I’d finally reached the limit of what I was willing to accept. My boss, a man I’d lost respect for shortly after starting working for him 1 year ago, was no a good man, and certainly not a good leader/manager. He is the one that owns the company, so he believes he can say or do whatever he chooses without any consequences. He talks about other employees behind their backs to me, and not in a good way. I feel so bad for those who work their butts off, and he doesn’t think highly of them or what they do for him.

Most people who leave jobs leave them because of poor managers, not because they don’t like what they are doing. I strongly believe that.

When I walked into my workplace to turn in my key, I was shaking inside and out. I received a text from him a few minutes before pulling in the parking lot. I replied back as my hands shook and said “I can’t work for a man who lies to me continuedly. I left my key at the front desk. Don’t ever call me or text me for any reason at all.”

What a HUGE step and while I faced my fear, I can tell you it took everything I had to quit and say something true, and not play nice and polite.

What a huge weight lifted. I feel so much better. I am looking for a job now, but I am happier than I have been in a year. It was a toxic place to work. Never again!

Thank you – I am grateful.

Deanna

xoxo