The Five Love Languages…explained

fivelovelanguages               THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES BY GARY CHAPMAN.

When people ask me what’s my favorite book or is there one book that I recommend to people, this is the book that I ALWAYS  recommend as a MUST read. I am surprised that some people have never heard of it because to me it’s like a staple on my book shelf and has been for years. Read on….

BACKGROUND OF BOOK

Most of us grow up learning the language of our parents, which becomes our native tongue. Later we may learn additional languages, but usually with much more effort. In the area of love, it’s very similar. Your emotional love language and that of your spouse or partner may be as different as Mandarin is from English – no matter how hard you try to express love in English, if your partner only understands Mandarin, you’ll never understand how to speak love to each other.

Seldom do partners have the same primary love language. We tend to speak our own primary love language (English) and become confused when our partner doesn’t understand what we’re communicating because we aren’t speaking (Mandarin). Once you identify and learn to speak your partners primary love language, you’ll have discovered the key to a long-lasting, loving marriage.

Determining Your Own Love Language
Either take the assessment here, or since you may be speaking what you need, you can discover your own love language by asking yourself these questions:

❤ How do I express love to others?
❤ What do I complain about the most?
❤ What do I request most often?

Speaking in your partner’s love language probably won’t be natural for you. Dr. Chapman says, “We’re not talking comfort. We’re talking love. Love is something we do for someone else. So often couples love one another but they aren’t connecting. They are sincere, but sincerity isn’t enough.”

The Five Love Languages

(1) Words of Affirmation
Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.*

Verbal compliments or words of appreciation are powerful communicators of love.
Encouraging words: “Encourage” means “to inspire courage”. All of us have areas in which we feel insecure. We lack courage, which often hinders us from accomplishing the positive things that we would like to do. Perhaps you or your spouse has untapped potential in one or more areas of life. That potential may be awaiting encouraging words from you or from him.

Kind words: If we’re to communicate love verbally, we must use kind words. That has to do with the way we speak. The statement “I love you”, when said with kindness and tenderness, can be a genuine expression of love.

Humble words: Love makes requests, not demands. In marriage we’re equal partners. If we’re to develop an intimate relationship, we need to know each other’s desires. If we make our needs known in the form of a request, we’re giving guidance, not ultimatums.

If this is your partner’s love language: Set a goal to give your spouse a different compliment each day for a month.

(2) Quality Time
In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.*

This means giving someone your undivided attention. I don’t mean sitting on the couch watching television together. What I mean is taking a walk, just the two of you, or going out to eat and looking at each other while talking. Time is a strong communicator of love. The love language of quality time has many dialects. One of the most common is that of quality conversation – two individuals sharing their thoughts and feelings. A relationship calls for sympathetic listening with a view to understanding the other person’s desires. We must be willing to give advice, but only when it’s requested and never in a condescending manner.

Here are some practical listening tips:
❤ Maintain eye contact when your spouse is talking.
❤ Don’t do something else at the same time.
❤ Listen for feelings and confirm them. Ask yourself, “What emotion is my spouse experiencing?”
❤ Observe body language.
❤ Refuse to interrupt. Such interruptions indicate, “I don’t care what you are saying; listen to me.”
❤ Quality conversation also calls for self-revelation. In order for your partner to feel loved, you must reveal some of yourself, too.

If this is your partner’s love language: Ask your partner for a list of five activities that he’d enjoy doing with you. Make plans to do one of them each month for the next five months.

(3) Gifts
Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures.*

Almost everything ever written on the subject of love indicates that at the heart of love is the spirit of giving. All five love languages challenge us to give to our spouse, but for some, receiving gifts, visible symbols of love, speaks the loudest. A gift is something you can hold in your hand and say, “Look, he was thinking of me,” or, “She remembered me.” A gift is a symbol of that thought. Gifts come in all sizes, colours and shapes. Some are expensive and others are free. To the individual whose primary love language is receiving gifts, the cost will matter little.

There is also an intangible gift that can speak more loudly than something that can be held in one’s hand. Physical presence in the time of crisis is the most powerful gift you can give. Your body becomes the symbol of your love.

If this is your partner’s love language: Keep a “gift idea” notebook. Every time you hear your spouse say, “I really like that,” write it down. Select gifts you feel comfortable purchasing, making or finding, and don’t wait for a special occasion. Becoming a proficient gift giver is an easy language to learn.

(4) Acts of Service
Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter.*

People who speak this love language seek to please their partners by serving them; to express their love for them by doing things for them. Actions such as cooking a meal, setting a table, washing the dishes, sorting the bills, walking the dog or dealing with landlords are all acts of service. They require thought, planning, time, effort and energy. If done with a positive spirit, they are indeed expressions of love. I’m not saying become a doormat to your partner and do these things out of guilt or resentment. No person should ever be a doormat. Do these things as a lover.

If this is your partner’s love language: What one act of service has your spouse nagged you about consistently? Why not decide to see the nag as a tag? Your spouse is tagging this particular task as a really important thing to him or her.

(5) Physical Touch
This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.*

Holding hands, kissing, hugging and sex – all of these are lifelines for the person for whom physical touch is the primary love language. With it, they feel secure in their partner’s love. “Love touches” don’t take much time, but they do require a little thought, especially if this isn’t your primary love language or you didn’t grow up in a “touching” family. Sitting close to each other as you watch TV requires no additional time, but communicates your love loudly. Touching each other when you leave the house and when you return may involve only a brief kiss, but speaks volumes.

If this is your partner’s love language: While eating together let your knee or foot drift over and touch your partner.

I know this is a short version, but I thought I’d give you a taste of what each love language. Take time to determine your language and that of your partner! You will see a huge difference when speaking their language.

Love YOU

Deanna

Life Lesson…. Always Communicate

tincans“Assumptions are the termites of relationships.”
Henry Winkler

Communication is one of the biggest factors in any relationship, whether it’s friendships, business relationships, or more personal with family and loved ones.

This lesson has been huge for me. When I was in my 20 and married, I didn’t feel I could share how I felt about anything without being put down for it or yelled at. What I shared didn’t matter or it wasn’t received that way, so I stopped sharing how I felt. What a HUGE travesty that was. Now – when I look back on my life, I shutter to think that I shut down like that.

Today is totally different. I am no longer married to him and have grown exponentially  since then. Learning to communicate effectively is key.

1.  Communicate from a place of respect and love. The person you are about to communicate with means something to you and you don’t want to hurt them intentionally.  Show them respect and love in the way you speak. Don’t put them down, belittle them, say angry things, yell,  or call them names. No conversation ever ends well when you lose respect and love.

2. Be impeccable with your words. When you talk to someone chose your words carefully. Speak with integrity. Avoid using words that speak negatively about yourself or gossip about others. Use the power of your words in the direction of truth and love.

3. Speak face to face. When you have something important to say or share always do it face to face. It means a lot to see how the other person is receiving your communication through they’re body language. You will know if they are listening are if they have tuned you out. Trust me when I say – face to face is best.

4. Don’t make assumptions. Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want or need. You need to communicate clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness or drama. This can truly transform your life.

Always do your best when you are communicating. You can’t take back what you say once it’s said.

And last but not least – The Golden Rule – “Treat others like you want to be treated.” Communicate to others like you’d like to be communicated to.

Love and LOTS of Wonderful Communication

Deanna

 

Words to live by

words have powerWords to live by…… The words we say to others matter. How we say them, the words themselves, and whether we mean them sincerely or not.

Words spoken can’t ever be taken back. I learned at a very young age this lesson. I was brought up in church and really a very good kid with strict parents. I can vividly remember to this day the very first cuss word that came out of my mouth, probably because I was utterly in shock that it happened. I was in the lunchroom at school (7th grade) and I looked in my lunchbox and the word came out. Silly isn’t it – but not really. Once the word was spoken I couldn’t take it back. Those around me heard me and it changed me. I relate it to taking the bite of the apple God told Eve NOT to do.

Are the nice words you say to someone really sincere or are they deep down resentful? I wonder sometimes when people say things if they are being sincere. My intuition speaks to me when that thought comes to my mind and it’s only when that thought comes to me that I know they aren’t really being sincere. It’s sad that people aren’t happy in themselves or don’t have confidence in their own abilities that they feel the need to say or do those things. We are here to encourage others in their lives, goals, accomplishments, endeavors, and their pursuit of happiness.

Words spoken in the heat of anger. Now this is a touchy thing for some only because they think it’s okay to let out what they feel because they are in an argument or angry. Well I’m here to remind you – it isn’t okay! It never is okay. Those words again can not be taken back and are said to hurt the other person. The person receiving the words of anger will always remember what you said. They may forgive you in time, but it won’t be forgotten. Don’t lash out. If you need time to calm down – take it. When you are calm you can come back and discuss whatever is upsetting you or them. Calm is always better for resolving issues.

Always speak the truth. When you lie you cause yourself more inner hurt than you realize. You also cause yourself to be out of sync with your spirit. I know we are all human, but this lesson I have learned. When you have employees that report to you, it has been proven that 90 percent of them would rather you tell them the truth face to face, than to be ignored. I understand that. So as a manager, I did my best to be sincere when I spoke to someone, gave them the honest truth in a nice way, and therefore, it gave them a chance to make their own decisions based on the facts not lies. It always worked out better and people really do appreciate your honesty. They respect you more for it.

Words of love. Don’t be quick to say I love you to someone unless you truly mean it. Those 3 words are the most over used words in the English language. I can remember in high school how quick the boys were to say I love you even on the first date! I always believed those words were important and that I wouldn’t utter those words to someone unless I meant it from my heart. I still believe that to this day. Don’t cheapen the meaning of “I LOVE YOU” by throwing it out there without meaning it.

Words to live by…. your words have power!

Love and passion,

De

Life is…..about communicating

communicatingI had lunch the other day with a new friend. I always enjoy meeting new people, getting to know them, seeing them and how they communicate, their mannerisms and listening to what they feel lead to talk about. Always a good thing!

When I make time to meet with someone, I am always aware of the meeting the their needs during our time together because I believe that is why we are together. There is a purpose either for me or for them. But on this particular day, he was there for my purpose. He gave me some insights or should I say his perspective on helping me be a better writer. I could tell he was a little cautious about what he wanted to share because he wanted it to be positive feedback and not taken the wrong way.

I reassured him I was open to what he wanted to share as long as he said it in a nice way. I know from being a manager of people, it is better to be honest with one another, but it is always in the delivery or how you communicate that message that matters. It’s not really the content that matters. Just like a good joke, it is all in the delivery that makes people laugh or not.

Much to my surprise – he communicated it perfectly. And you know what? What he said was exactly what I needed to hear. He was the messenger to me that day. His communication of what he thought and felt, both positive and negative in the sense to help me improve were perfect. He said others he has tried to be open with didn’t take it well and got defensive and mad, so you can image he was a bit apprehensive to share. However, I am glad he did.

I hope I always remember what he said as I sit down to blog or write my book.

I am one that believes in communicating face to face. We live in a world of high technology, smart phones and text messaging is vastly growing as the new norm of communicating. I believe texting has a purpose, but it will never replace looking someone in the eyes, seeing their expressions, reading their body language or hearing the tone in their voice to know exactly how someone has received the communication you just shared with them.

I know this is hard to do for some introverts or those that are shy. I really do understand that. Even harder when you think what you have to say might be a confrontation. Avoiding confrontation is huge to some people (that will be another blog).

I really wanted to convey the importance of communicating – openly with one another. You should be able to do that without fear of being judged or put down for it. Just be mindful about your delivery – how you say it.  Words can either help or tear down someone. Never tear anyone else down. DELIVERY is Key!

Love & Passion,

De